Heartbroken

This morning I watched the Boston Marathon winners cross the finish line from my laptop at work. In awe, I watched the elite runners finish the crossing line one by one in incredible time. I thought to myself ha, I would be so far behind these people it’s not even funny.

Then, a few hours later I sat in a meeting at work, when my phone started going off with text messages from friends and family asking if I’d seen the explosions. My heart continued to get heavier and heavier as the latest reports trickled in.

As I drove home, with coverage filling the radio, I had to hold back tears and swallow the lump in my throat. If you know me at all, you know this is abnormal for me. I don’t really know why today’s events make me so sad, but they really do.

For years and years now, running has been my escape, both emotionally and physically. When my dad died two years ago, I ran through my thoughts, emotions and sadness. Two days ago, when I thought the stress of buying a home was going to make me go crazy, I laced up my shoes and went for four on the trail.

Running is supposed to be the release, not the reason. In a world with so many trials and hardships, it’s been my consistent escape for almost twelve years now. To think that it’s been tainted for so many people breaks my heart.

I can’t describe how broken hearted I am for these runners that have trained for so long to get where they were today. Boston is such a goal for so many. And for all of their precious families that took the day off to come support their loved ones, I can’t even imagine the horror they must have seen.

I have to constantly remind myself in situations like this that we serve a God who is in control. In a world that constantly disappoints, at least we have hope that doesn’t.

So blessed

I have been dreading today for months. Every time I would think about it, I’d get that empty feeling in my stomach… the kind you get when you’re on your way down a rollercoaster ride. It’s not that today is necessarily sad, it’s just one of those days where I know I will be thinking about my dad from the time I wake up until I go to sleep.

But before I even woke up this morning, I had encouraging text messages waiting for me. All morning long my phone went off with texts full of memories of my dad, reminders of how amazing he was and reassurance that I was being prayed for all day long. I had flowers delivered from my mom and my favorite cookie left at my desk from my awesome fellow reporter, Brena.

What I fully anticipated to be a very hard today has been just the opposite and I am in awe of how lucky I am to have such incredible friends and family. My dad left such an unbelievable legacy, people couldn’t wait to share their memories and respect for him.

As I read through each text message and Facebook comment, I was overwhelmed with the impact my dad had… on my life and so many others. I know everyone says this, but my dad really was the best. I can’t think of anyone that would have anything negative to say about him. He was so funny, generous, devoted, sincere, funny, caring and did I mention funny?

He has instilled in me the importance of family time, forgiveness, faith and friends. Despite owning his own company, my dad rarely missed any of my practices or games and even found time to somehow coach most of my teams. He was the definition of humility and was never afraid to point out his own faults.

As I remembered my dad today, I wasn’t bombarded by the feeling of loss. Today I felt more loved, blessed and thankful for the time I had with my dad. Although he set the bar high, he is my motivation to work as hard as I can to make him proud every day. I love my dad and miss my best friend more each day, but I know he is smiling at how much I am taken care of on days like this.

Homeward Bound?

Mark and I have been house hunting for nearly five months now. I remember being on the phone with a potential realtor before the holidays, telling him that I would keep looking online and we would touch base after New Years.

New Years came and went and Mark and I became more diligent with our search. We started driving by neighborhoods after work and on the weekends with our dog, trying to filter out the neighborhoods we didn’t even want to consider.

We connected with a realtor about two months ago and started buckling down with our search. We considered this the time frame in which we could technically put in an offer on a home without having too much overlap with our apartment lease. It seemed inevitable that we’d find a home before we really needed to, but that was better than getting stuck with nowhere to live.

We set up alerts on our phones so we would know when any houses went on the market, we drove by homes that went up that we liked, attended a first-time homebuyers class, started touring homes on the weekends, after work and during our lunch break, etc. Then one night around 8 p.m. we saw a home go on the market that fit all of our needs, so we immediately hopped in the car with our pup and drove by. We were touring the house by the next day at noon (on our lunch break) and had an offer in by that afternoon. Unfortunately, four other offers were also in and the sellers opted to go with a different one.

Slightly discouraged, we got back to the grind, checking the Redfin website every 30 minutes to see what was popping up. I even went to look at a home the day after I had two teeth pulled just to make sure nobody would beat us to it. A couple of weeks went by and I really started to feel like we’d missed out on our perfect first home. And then… around 2 p.m. on Monday I saw a house go up in a great location within our budget. I immediately texted the address to Mark, even though photos hasn’t even been uploaded to the website yet. We wasted no time in setting up an appointment with our realtor and the home didn’t disappoint.

As soon as I walked in, I knew it was perfect. The layout, the size, the price, the location, it was exactly what I’d hoped we’d find ever since we started looking. It made me feel like we’d missed out on the other home for a reason. The timing was perfect too, since our lease runs up in about 40 days. Mark and I decided to put in an offer while still parked outside the house, we were that excited about it.

That night, with the offer in, our realtor told us we were the only ones to view the house that day (pictures weren’t even up yet) and the first offer to be put in. Although we offered lower than the listing price, I still felt confident. We’d moved quickly.

The next day our realtor informed us that three other offers were in and we’d likely need to increase our offer if we wanted to compete. Without a second thought, we upped our offer for more than the listing price (although still within our budget). It was that once-in-a-lifetime type of home and we felt no hesitancy.

The next day our realtor informed us that 10 other offers had been put in on the home, and they had chosen a different one. So, here we are, back at square one, with time running out on our lease.

It’s so disheartening to get emotionally attached to a home (have the furniture already set up in your head and picturing yourselves living there for a long time) and have it taken from you. I know this is so trivial compared to what a lot of people are going through, but to me, at this moment, it’s frustrating.

I know I should be telling myself that I am lucky I can even buy a house (which I am) and that I should just wait for the perfect one. But it’s been a rough go lately (multiple dentist appointments, doctor appointments, unexpected expenses, etc.) and I felt like venting via the trusty old blog who can never tell me I’m wrong.

Here’s hoping and praying that we find something soon! C’mon perfect house!

And just to make everybody's Friday that much better, click here.

My tips for the gym

Saturday afternoon as I was cycling away on a spin bike at my apartment complex's gym, I looked downstairs and saw a girl sitting on a machine, flipping through her iPhone with her chin resting on her hand. My first thought was, why are you at the gym, girl? You could do that from home.

I'm not claiming to be a gym expert, but I do feel fairly knowledgeable about fitness and if I could have any job in the world I would write for SELF magazine (or ESPN, but that's a pipe dream). So I've made a list of my top tips for hitting the gym that I've learned through trial and error/reading.

1. Get in and get out. I see a lot of people who use the gym as a hang out. It's the people that sit on the machines and play on their phones or walk at 2.0 mph on the treadmill while texting that should really just be sitting at home. There's zero chance they are working up a sweat. Most of us barely have time to fit a workout in during the week, so when I go in for a 30 minute spin session or run, I'm pushing myself as hard as I can for 30 minutes so I can enjoy the rest of my night outside of the gym.
2. Don't do the same thing every day. Running is my jam. There is no question about it. In fact, I used to run every single day for hours at a time. But the more research I did, the more I came to understand that change is crucial to keeping up your fitness. Right now, I do yoga on Monday, run on Wednesday, spin on Saturday and the elliptical on Sunday. And I'm never bored. Ever.
3. Read blogs. I'm obsessed with reading health/fitness blogs. I've been reading them for a couple of years now. I get some of my favorite food/workout ideas from other bloggers. In fact, one of my favorite blogs has a full list of different workouts to try when on the treadmill and elliptical. If I ever don't feel doing the same thing I usually do, I'll try out one of these new workouts.
4. Don't get frustrated. I'll admit, I get easily frustrated at the gym. If I go so long without running and end up huffing and puffing on the treadmill, I'll feel so bad about myself. But that's stupid. The fact that you are even on the treadmill is an accomplishment in itself. Don't be afraid to slow down the speed if you're feeling pushed too far. You can always stop and walk for a few minutes before you get back into a run again.
5. Come prepared to work out. There is nothing that drives me more crazy than being unprepared at the gym. Even if I look silly, I always make sure to throw a few extra bobby pins into my hair (I hate strays while working out), fill up my water bottle, double knot my shoes and make sure I'm completely ready to focus on working out so I don't get distracted.

Like I said, I'm absolutely no gym expert. There have definitely been times when I've fallen in/out of love with the gym, but these are a few things I always try to keep in mind when working out!

Playing catchup

Since I’ve taken a breather from the blog lately, I thought a Hopkins family update may be necessary. In no particular order (except order of importance…), here are the highlights.

Nolan

Nolan has continued to be a handful for Mark and I. He is 5 ½ months old and has never had more energy than he does now. He has also gotten so big it’s harder for me to walk him, especially if we pass another walker or dog. His last puppy training class is this Sunday and he will be a graduate. This is a really big day for me, you guys.

House hunting

Mark and I continue to tirelessly search for the perfect first home. We came unbelievably close last Friday and actually put in an offer on a home that we really loved. We put an offer down less than 24 hours after it was put on the market. Unfortunately, four other families loved the house just as much, and the seller chose another offer, putting us back at square one. We are continuing to search and pray that the perfect house is out there waiting!

Money saving

It has not been easy (in fact, it’s gotten harder the longer we’ve been doing it), but Mark and I were able to significantly exceed our original goal for a down payment for our (hopefully) new home. Unexpected tax returns, bonuses and freelance opportunities have helped us so much. Like I said, it has been a tough road and I’ve missed eating out so much and am struggling to bypass the cute and colorful spring clothes out right now, but being diligent and continuing to trust that everything will work out is definitely working so far!

Life in general

I feel like I’ve been staying so busy lately and I’m loving it. There have been so many opportunities to spend time with friends the past month or so and I’ve tried to take advantage of them all! Life is too short to turn these things down. J

Yesterday Mark and I celebrated a mini anniversary. We have been together (a.k.a. dating, engaged and then married) for two years. Yay!

I've been running and doing yoga quite a bit, which always makes me a happy camper.

Things have been extra tough lately for me missing my dad. It seems to always come in waves, but it’s been rough the past few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time looking over old text messages and pictures and even spent a couple of hours one night writing him a letter to tell him what’s going on in my life. I know it’s silly, trust me I know. But nothing has made me feel better than doing that.

In general, I can’t complain about things lately. Sure there are things I’m ready to get past, but overall life is happening and I figure I may as well just enjoy it as it comes! Tonight my sister is in town, so Mark and I get to have dinner with her and my mom. It’s the little things you’ve gotta look forward to! J

It's a runner thing

I want to preface this post by saying two things. First, I know I have not posted for nearly a month, but I needed a well thought out break from blogging. Secondly, if you don't like running, this post will probably just annoy you, so you can go ahead and exit out of this tab.

There are few things on this planet that make me happier than running. There are also few things that make me more miserable. You see, I've been running for about 12 years now. It's my favorite stress release, form of exercise and way to challenge myself. I've experienced so many benefits from running all these years, but I've also seen the negative.

When you're a runner, you read runner things, you talk to other runners and you slowly become more and more addicted. It's textbook. Being a runner for so long, I've seen it happen to so many people around me in addition to experiencing it myself.

At the point you really catch the running bug, it becomes everything. You no longer plan your day, you plan your day around your run. You get up early, you stay up late. Whatever it takes to make sure you can get your run in. You never skip a day (except for the required rest day of course). You talk about running to anyone who will listen. And you feel normal about it. I've been there, just trust me.

For the past few weeks, for a number of reasons, I'm not running. Sometimes I think your body just tells you that you need a break. But let me tell you, I'm miserable not running. I'm antsy. I need that stress release. I need that exercise. I need that sense of accomplishment. Nothing makes me feel better.

But what I've been wondering lately is why running has to be an all or nothing thing. Over the past few years, there are a few people in my life who have picked up running and I've watched it become an obsession to them. They can't go a day without it. But instead of judging them for it, I understand. Running is literally my biggest love/hate relationship. It can make me feel the best I've ever felt and the worst, all within weeks.

Even though I'm not currently running, I still read running blogs every day. I still follow the PR runs of my favorite bloggers and secretly envy my friends running races. But I know, for me at least, there is too much going on for me to put my focus on running. And I know I would only feel worse about half-hearting it. I honestly think running is one of those bugs that is hard to cure. I wish I could say I won't dive head first back into it at some point, but I just can't guarantee that. But at least I've been able to sit back and recognize how addicting it can be and hopefully that will allow me to practice more moderation once I get back into the swing of things.

Cha-cha-changes

I debated writing this post for a while, but I’ve talked to quite a few people who are going through the same thing and if it can help just one person, it will be totally worth it. :)

One of the things I’ve struggled with a lot since my dad died is not only my physical loss, but my loss of self. I know that probably sounds melodramatic or something, but it’s true. I’ve had several people over the past (not even) two years tell me that I seem different or I’m not the way I was before my dad died, and guess what…that’s true. But trust me when I say that is not by choice.

Before my dad died, I considered myself a carefree, independent individual who rarely worried and never took life too seriously. But ever since two Aprils ago, I can’t really claim any of those attributes I used to love so much about myself.

I’ve lost so much of what made me ‘Megan’ and it’s really hard and really sad to me. Nothing in my life is the same, and that inevitably has had an affect on the person I am… at least for now. I pray a lot that I get back some of my more ‘fun-loving’ characteristics and get rid of my more uptight, always-worried, never-kicking-back ways, but that’s only something that time can bring.

Now not to sound like a downer, there's so much I've gained from my experiences too. I listen more, care more and am more considerate of other people. Sometimes when you are focused so much on what you're not anymore, it's easy to overlook what you are.

I’ve had people tell me they’re surprised I’m still having a hard time with things, but let me tell you, this is something that will affect me for my entire life. Hopefully not as much as it does right now, but it’s not even been two years and I don’t think you can put a time cap on something like grief.

I’ve had people tell me they didn’t know I thought about my dad every day still. To that, I will say my dad was the most important person in my life. I thought about him every day even when he was alive. The only difference is that now I’m reminded how different things are and what I am missing.

When my dad died, every single little thing in my life changed, whether I wanted it to or not. I know for a lot of people, it’s not easy to sit back and see someone you care about struggling to sort through things that you really can’t help with. But from the other side of that, it’s not easy to work through your emotions, while at the same time knowing you’re not the same person your friends became close to. There are a lot of people that will be tempted to jump ship at some point, but you’ve got to trust God that the people who are supposed to be in your life will be understanding and accepting of the new (hopefully temporary) you.

I’ve gotten a lot of jokes about how much I love my dog, but some days it’s just easier to hang out with someone who had no preconceived notions of who you’re not anymore and just loves you for who you are now. :)

I’m so thankful that I was blessed with a lot of really understanding friends who only want the best for me. While I know I can never repay that, I hope each and every one of them knows I am grateful and that I will be there for them in a heartbeat!